As it turns out, we were suppose to leave for British Columbia on Sept 8th. David arranged for the Hasson family to meet up with Annika and bid her bon voyage. As much as she enjoyed her visit with her family it was a very emotional night for her. I had dinner with two of my best friends Nina and Theresa. It was much harder than I anticipated . I prepared myself for saying goodbye to my childhood home, my belongings, and even some of my memories....but giving that final hug to all my friends was heart wrenching. I decided after many tears, and a night of exhaustion to delay our travel by one day. We both need the extra rest after getting over covid. and we needed to be able to focus on the journey at hand. Parker had decided he needed a reboot, and was joining us for the drive out. He helped pack up our rental motorhome for the trip. He was a great help placing all my meager belongings that we were bringing with us in the small compartment under the motorhome. I tried to pick little things that reminded me of each person whom was important to me. The cost of shipping and traveling out west was not cheap. In addition I was building a tiny home. It wasn't like I could pack up my queen size bed that slept alone in for so many years, nor would I want that memory with me. Every box was crammed full of special little glimpses of time. Annika and I picked out all new furniture for our tiny home.
I have never experienced a panic attack before, but after this night I experienced my first. It was horrific. All the input from other people second guessing my decision to travel 5400 kms across Canada to start my life over were swirling in my head. I was either incredibly insane, brave or a combination of both? Traveling across Canada in a standard motorhome with two young adults, one dog and three cats. All I could hear was " Are you sure you can do this? Why do you have to go so far? You're being selfish! You won't be happy out there! You'll never make , it's so expensive out west!"
I gave this journey a lot of thought, and preparation. I had been planning this for months. And I never had any fear until my daughter came home in tears because she realized that our family was once happy. That we used to have fun times. She saw all the memories coming up on Facebook after adding her family members after their get together at her aunt's house.
I protected my kids from that loss. I tried to move forward and "fix" something that wasn't working any longer. Now that they were both adults, this loss is more relevant to them. This loss hits home. They had to make a choice of who to live with. I can't even imagine the guilt they must have felt making that decision, fearing the other parent would be hurt. All I ever wanted was my kids to be happy, healthy and focused in their life journey. Living in our marriage was not allowing that to happen. It's horrible to know that I am 50% responsible for the breakdown of our marriage that caused that loss. All these thoughts and concerns caused my mind to malfunction in a way I have never experienced before. All I can hope for is with continued individual counseling, joint counseling and family counseling our family can start to heal. What the future holds in unknown, but it can only be better than the chaos we were living in.
A good nights rest, and a little motivation allowed me to get back on tract with packing and getting back in a positive mind frame. It was hard but I had to push forward with my journey out west. I could do this. I am a strong, determined, educated woman. Onward to the Sunshine Coast! Day one here I come!
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